(Dedicated to my Mother)
Catlick Mudders… (God Bless Them!) no matter however nagging or traditional (in thinking they are) are ‘characters’ in themselves, so I have decided to pay a long overdue tribute to them in the following article. So here it goes…
WHY DO MOTHERS…
· …Collect the ‘chilli- vinegar’ pickle in an old jam jar you get with Chinese Takeaway for decades even though the chillies in there are brown and so is the ‘white vinegar’ they come in
· …Still Say ‘ Talk Fast, Talk Fast’ while handing over the phone to the next person in the household ‘waiting in line’ when their NRI son calls from ‘abroad’ even though in this day and age when international calls hardly cost a trifle more than regular calls or keep shouting and speaking on the phone as if they think their son can physically ACTUALLY hear them…
· … Believe that if their children staying away have a Catlick i.e. East Indian roommate they are fine, if ‘not’ they are living a horrible life.
· …Refer to people getting married as a ‘Boy’ and a ‘Girl’ even though they maybe in their 30’s or 40’s or even older (as you know who…hmm)
· …Still refer to having a ‘Drink’ or having some ‘booze’ as ‘Drinking LIQOUR!’ making it sound as if you were down at Raja ‘Country’ Bar.
· …Think that two or three drinks at a party are enough for ANY respectable ‘gentleman’ (i.e. their husbands)… any more and people will say you are an alcoholic who beats his wife when you get home.
· … Still think shoulder pads are still in ‘fashion’ even though the 80’s are over.
· …Still recommend you to stitch your wedding suit at Pereira, Dais or Fernandes Tailors (even though designer ones are now available) because they are Catlick and they will do a good job…(May God Have Mercy on J.Bob Tailor)
· …Still think working in a bank is a respectable job for any man; working on a ship or a rig just qualifies you as an alcoholic womaniser.
· …Still assume that if you go for an overnight picnic to Gorai or any place with a beach…they will NEVER see you alive again because of the ‘Don’t Drink and Go in the Water’ Rule.
· …Keep Things (such as cutlery, utensils, curtains, bed sheets, foodstuff… the list goes on) bought from abroad in the cupboard, only to be used on Easter, Church Feast, Bandra Feast and Christmas.
· …Never refurbish their houses in one go or suddenly go for an extravagant holiday … in case people ‘start talking’…(although their children have been NRI’s for years) because they don’t want to show how much money is there in the family and also then the ‘girl’ will come into the family only ‘for the money’, basically because she saw the A/C compressor outside the house.
· …Still refer to a couple ‘going around’ as ‘being friendly’.
· …Not Accept any ‘new’ song is actually worth listening to; unless it has been sung at the St. Andrews Zonal Talent Contest.
· …Believe that if a girl smokes/goes to a disco without her boyfriend/drinks ‘LIQOUR’/has a tattoo/ doesn’t wear ‘blouses’; she is as good as a prostitute or from a bad family with an alcoholic father.
· …Don’t want to buy fast food because its cheap and home delivered, but because ‘they can make it at home for nothing’. (Thanks to the Goodness Gracious Me Team for this one).
· …Honestly believe that their ‘homemade grape wine’ is a thousand times better than the now freely available Merlot, Chardonnay or Cabernet Sauvignon, as they are too dry (i.e. not sweet), too expensive (when you get the homemade ones for 80 Rs a bottle) and don’t kick as much (because there’s not much rum in it).
· …Insist on having a showcase in their ‘hall cabinet’ to show off their curios and crystal wine glasses they got for their wedding anniversary.
· …Fight, scar and maul each other for Wedding Table pieces, which they will keep for years to come in their ‘showcase’.
· …Type on a computer keyboard at the speed of light, sometimes even while talking to you (recalling their secretarial days), while sending emails, but when the time comes to change the font size or move the mouse to click on an icon they need someone else’s help.
· …Consider Ponds Talcum Powder to 'still' be an acceptable alternative for deodorants.
· …Store perfumes for years to come since a close family friend had brought it down from the Gulf in the 80’s and it was probably expensive…
And they also think that Brut and Yardley’s Eau de Toilette are ‘STILL’ the ‘in thing’ to wear.
P.S - Mother Forgive Me For I Know Not What I Do…
