BANDRA (7): The Catlick Girls Preservation Society

With due apologies to the NETWORK, before I start out this blog and I am well aware of the consequences of my actions…

I have recently uncovered what you can call a conspiracy within the network. Many of you may have suspected it for a while and even doubted its existence… but it is true. For those of you who don’t I have decided to put my entire future and family name on stake to write this one… so make sure you learn from this and pass it on those naïve people out there…

There exists a top secret society of Catlick Women, brewed by the NETWORK for that ideal ‘happily ever after’ experience. They are perfect by themselves in every way. But it is not until that final day when you (the poor unsuspecting groom) realize that this wasn’t the deal you signed on for and you soon become conscious that long-term overseas contract you got recently doesn’t seem ALL THAT BAD!

The Catlick Girls Preservation Society is as secret as the Freemasons Society, with the true origins of it starting out right from the birth. Throughout her life her mother and/or other members of the network then bring up the girl. They are brought up around the 11^th commandment, which states:

‘Thou shalt HAVE A LIFE only after marriage’.

The following qualifications ‘must be satisfied’ by the time they reach the ‘marriageable’ age

· Look and maintain themselves to be unconditionally beautiful.

· Attend Stitching and Cooking/Vegetable carving/ Cake Baking classes.

· Learn to ‘JIVE’ by the age of eleven.

· Must read in church every Sunday and during Bandra Feast at least once at the Mount in the Novena week.

· Attend Choir Practice Sessions every week and must sing at the Mount at least in Holy Week every year.

· Must have read the Bible ‘at least’ once in a year starting from their ‘communion’ year, when they receive at least half dozen Bibles as gifts.

· Must have gone for piano or singing classes and performed at the Parish Talent contest.

· Never ever ever sip any form of Alcohol/LIQOUR! , Until their wedding day.

· Never ever watch a XXX (Blue!) movie, unless the cable guy shows it on Channel 33 at 1am every Friday night and you have a TV in your own bedroom.

· Never ever go on co-ed overnight picnics to Gorai as the boys only want to do ‘hanky-panky’.

· Never ever go to Discos (before you are married or engaged), so that you may not be influenced by others to actually have some fun!

· Never wear vulgar/fashionable clothes that might just show a hint of leg or worse still cleavage!!

· Learn to bargain in the bazaar by the age of thirteen.

· Must have cooked their first Chicken curry for Christmas Lunch by the age of fourteen.

· Must have prepared a full course meal for ‘guests’ including Russian Salad, Meatloaf, Lonvas, Wedding Rice, Sorpoteal, Vindaloo, and Fruit salad with custard by the age of sixteen.

· Learn to remove stubborn stains of clothes using RIN and Robin Blue.

So at the end of it all (the courting with or without the network chaperone, the planning, the wedding ceremony, the lavish party at the Bandra Gym where Candies catered…, the honeymoon in Maldives), you walk into the kitchen one hung over Sunday morning, innocently ask for a nice hot cup tea to eat your fugias with, she turns around with her oil stained batik nightie, her face as red as a baboons arse, snarling like Dirty Harriet, she pokes a red hot spatula in your face and says with her clenched teeth:

Go Ahead...Make My Day...B*tch !