A Long Time Ago in Bandra… before Bill Gates and his team of nerdy engineers came up with Networking for Windows, before the existence of Servers, the Internet superhighways, emails, GPRS, WAP, mobile phones, coaxial cables, Big Brother, spy satellites and CCTV.
There existed the Aunties Network…
There existed the Aunties Network…
A network so intricate, so extremely well connected, so efficient and so fast, it would put today’s best broadband and wi-fi connections to shame…
No one can ever escape the network, rest assured from the time you are born to the time you are six feet under, you will remain under their surveillance. Some are even spoken of afterwards, depending how extreme your case file is.
So let me break it down to the basics…
WHO (are they?): They live amongst us and all around us. More often they are heard rather than seen. You will never recognise one when you see them because they blend in pretty well.
No one knows for sure, how many of them exist in the network as some may work as consultants.
One thing we can be sure of is that they are always related to or are somebody’s sister, mother, or grandmother who knows you and your parents. This may sound a bit harsh but the truth is that many of our mothers may have already joined in under pressure from the Council of Elders.
WHAT (are they about?): Keeping the Catlick youth of today away from the vices, Matchmaking, Gossip and keeping up-to-date with the lives of everyone on/in the street/colony/parish.
WHY (Do They do it?): Boredom, Assumption its their god given right to set things right, For the sake of the Catlick community and the local parish, Duty Free gifts from the NRI boy they found a wife for…
WHERE (Do they operate?): Mostly In the bazaars, in the churchyard after the daily mass, Ladies Sodality meetings, in the cash lines in State Bank of India and Citizen Bank, in the house of the deceased after the funeral, at the cross feast parties in the Square, at months mind parties, during the ‘jive’ sessions at weddings when they are sure that there is no one around as all the youths are on the dance floor…
HOW (Do they operate?): Mainly through word of mouth, the old Bakelite MTNL telephones and now with technology catching up …mobile phones and even emails…(who knows maybe blogs are next…?)
You should be afraid…be very afraid!
You can run but you can’t hide…
- You think there’s no one around when you sneak behind a tree to take a drag of a cigarette…. Look Again! …Even if you manage to finish it without getting spotted…you will run into them down the street before you had time to buy the mints and one whiff will tell her how many you smoked and she might even specify the brand…
- With the trend of the now ‘happenin’ discos…playing trendy retro catlick hits, they have even infiltrated those places (where sweet homely girls and shy little mommas boys could go and order a double Jack Daniels and coke, tequila shots, lit up a fag and dance obscenely with each other…)
- Think you can get jiggy in the car on some lonely street with lots of tree cover…they will be there… ‘Returning from the market’ or taking their daily stroll.
- Even after you marry the one ‘they’ chose for you and decide to immigrate to another country far away from them, they have their connections there too and will probably know that your wife is pregnant even before you do.
- If you think you’re too tough for them to affect you and actually manage to give them a piece of your mind, you will be branded either ‘all or one’ of the following by the end of the next day’s mass…Drug addict, Alcoholic, Wife Beater, Pervert/Womaniser, Retard and for the ladies…the one and only but painful… ‘Slut'
So the next time, you step out of your house …and are thinking of doing something bad.
Remember their theme rap song, recently 'remixed' to keep with the times…(may it send the shivers down your spine)
Doong Doong Doong Dududoong Doong!
-Alright...Stop... Collaborate ... And Listen...
-Aunty’s here with a brand new section...
-Break it down... One Time...
Whuckka whucka woom whucka woom!
-We strain ourselves to get all the news...
-From the cross feast parties...
-To what’s scribbled on the church pews...
-We know who’s sick, who’s dying...
-Who’s just joined Mary’s Clan...
-We even know about dat lady from dere who’s seeing another man...
-We will keep you informed no matter what...
-Specially about dat obscene doctor who just got caught...
-We roam the villages for topics to cov(aa)...
-But the best bits We get are after the daily mass is ov(aa)...
-So my dears, we promise to keep you in touch...
-With all the gossip you miss out on so much...
No one can ever escape the network, rest assured from the time you are born to the time you are six feet under, you will remain under their surveillance. Some are even spoken of afterwards, depending how extreme your case file is.
So let me break it down to the basics…
WHO (are they?): They live amongst us and all around us. More often they are heard rather than seen. You will never recognise one when you see them because they blend in pretty well.
No one knows for sure, how many of them exist in the network as some may work as consultants.
One thing we can be sure of is that they are always related to or are somebody’s sister, mother, or grandmother who knows you and your parents. This may sound a bit harsh but the truth is that many of our mothers may have already joined in under pressure from the Council of Elders.
WHAT (are they about?): Keeping the Catlick youth of today away from the vices, Matchmaking, Gossip and keeping up-to-date with the lives of everyone on/in the street/colony/parish.
WHY (Do They do it?): Boredom, Assumption its their god given right to set things right, For the sake of the Catlick community and the local parish, Duty Free gifts from the NRI boy they found a wife for…
WHERE (Do they operate?): Mostly In the bazaars, in the churchyard after the daily mass, Ladies Sodality meetings, in the cash lines in State Bank of India and Citizen Bank, in the house of the deceased after the funeral, at the cross feast parties in the Square, at months mind parties, during the ‘jive’ sessions at weddings when they are sure that there is no one around as all the youths are on the dance floor…
HOW (Do they operate?): Mainly through word of mouth, the old Bakelite MTNL telephones and now with technology catching up …mobile phones and even emails…(who knows maybe blogs are next…?)
You should be afraid…be very afraid!
You can run but you can’t hide…
- You think there’s no one around when you sneak behind a tree to take a drag of a cigarette…. Look Again! …Even if you manage to finish it without getting spotted…you will run into them down the street before you had time to buy the mints and one whiff will tell her how many you smoked and she might even specify the brand…
- With the trend of the now ‘happenin’ discos…playing trendy retro catlick hits, they have even infiltrated those places (where sweet homely girls and shy little mommas boys could go and order a double Jack Daniels and coke, tequila shots, lit up a fag and dance obscenely with each other…)
- Think you can get jiggy in the car on some lonely street with lots of tree cover…they will be there… ‘Returning from the market’ or taking their daily stroll.
- Even after you marry the one ‘they’ chose for you and decide to immigrate to another country far away from them, they have their connections there too and will probably know that your wife is pregnant even before you do.
- If you think you’re too tough for them to affect you and actually manage to give them a piece of your mind, you will be branded either ‘all or one’ of the following by the end of the next day’s mass…Drug addict, Alcoholic, Wife Beater, Pervert/Womaniser, Retard and for the ladies…the one and only but painful… ‘Slut'
So the next time, you step out of your house …and are thinking of doing something bad.
Remember their theme rap song, recently 'remixed' to keep with the times…(may it send the shivers down your spine)
Doong Doong Doong Dududoong Doong!
-Alright...Stop... Collaborate ... And Listen...
-Aunty’s here with a brand new section...
-Break it down... One Time...
Whuckka whucka woom whucka woom!
-We strain ourselves to get all the news...
-From the cross feast parties...
-To what’s scribbled on the church pews...
-We know who’s sick, who’s dying...
-Who’s just joined Mary’s Clan...
-We even know about dat lady from dere who’s seeing another man...
-We will keep you informed no matter what...
-Specially about dat obscene doctor who just got caught...
-We roam the villages for topics to cov(aa)...
-But the best bits We get are after the daily mass is ov(aa)...
-So my dears, we promise to keep you in touch...
-With all the gossip you miss out on so much...
5 comments:
So True
What abt the Uncle's Network. They arent any less. If the Aunty's network talk abt who they can pair up & how much wealth Carmen now has after Walter died.(God bless his soul)..
The Uncle's Network talk abt..how much salary their sons make... & what Carmen shld now do with the money Walter left for her!
Ian,
Love the blog. Has me cracking up. Did four years in the middle of the Queen of the suburbs a decade ago and your blog is a great throwback.
The irony of the Aunty network was they were only around whenever you're up to no good. When you win an award nobody shows up! Go figure.
LOL, this is brilliant! Except that it ain't just the aunties in Bandra. Aunties Inc. has franchises all over the world, in every community, religion, nationality..and errrm...suburb of the city!
brilliant work most of it is true
and u forgot the gym the main place for it and the Christmas bazaar
Lucio
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